Building Confidence and Self Esteem – How Fast Can Change Happen?

Building confidence and self esteem is a process, however it is possible for change to occur in an instant. We can in one moment decide to change a belief or change a behavior. We can in one moment decide to see things differently. We can decide right now to no longer believe the things that have always held us back. We can decide right now to believe something different, to take on board beliefs that support us and help in building confidence and self esteem. Notice what your response is to what I have just written!

However most of us are not free enough, or trusting enough to do this kind of instant change. At least not in the beginning. We need to prepare ourselves , we need to learn more how to trust. We need to understand our fears and anxieties and learn how to put these to rest quickly. We need to become aware of and understand our inner programs of beliefs. We need to become aware of and understand how to better manage our “filters” that determine the meaning we give to our experience and what we see, take notice of and expect. The more you work on developing your relationship with yourself, the stronger your self esteem and self confidence becomes, then the easier and faster it is to change anything. Profound change can happen in an instant!

Change is the natural state of things. Everything is in a constant state of change, movement, flux.

Most of us are not so comfortable with change. We actively and sometimes violently resist change. Why is this? Well, it really comes down to our basic survival programming. We need to be and feel safe and secure because this is the key strategy for survival. Most of the time this is unconscious, just running in the background and flagging us when our system detects a threat or a potential threat. When this happens, we start to feel uncomfortable.

Most of us seek and feel more comfortable with what is familiar. Why? Because we can have a sense of mastery, some measure of confidence. Some sense of security. We know what to do, what to expect. A lot of times, it is true that change is not so comfortable! However the main difference between those people who embrace change and those who resist change is how they deal with the discomfort and what they tell themselves it is all about.

This is the key to being able to embrace change. You have the power over what you tell yourself, what you believe and what you expect.

The more we are exposed to change, the easier it is to tolerate or at best embrace further change. If you have changed your hairstyle a lot, moved your job or moved house several times, a kind of familiarity builds and you can feel more comfortable with changing your hairstyle or job or house again! However if you have never had the experience of change in these areas, if you have always kept the same style, been in the same job or lived in the same spot, the prospect of moving to something new and different can be so frightening we just hold on and fight hard to keep it all the way it is. The way we are used to it being! No matter the cost. No matter how much better the new changes may be for us! Consider the makeover shows! How fantastic the guests looked after they embraced change. People love these shows so much because they excite us about what is possible.

You have the power to make the same kind of miraculous makeovers of your own life, through building your confidence and self esteem.

Improving Self Confidence and Managing Internal Conflict

Learning how to manage and respond to internal conflict is one of the great powers inherent in improving self confidence and self esteem. One thing we can be sure about is that conflict is a natural part of life, a continual ebb and flow!

Remaining in a state of internal conflict is not good for your health and well being, neither is it good for your confidence or self esteem! So learning how to resolve conflict earlier rather than allowing it to intensify and grow is one of the most helpful things you can do to improve your life, and maintain a sense of personal power which underpins self esteem and self confidence!

Internal conflict reflects some sort of dilemma you find yourself in and usually relates to one of the following areas:

Making an important decision (sometimes even just making trivial decisions!)

Competing needs

Competing fears

Guilt and what you are or are not doing and what you know you “should “ be doing or not doing ( exercise, stop smoking, spend quality time with your children, stop putting things off).

Feeling torn between what you want and what you believe you ‘have’ to do – many people feel this way about their work or relationships, unhappy but feeling locked in and powerless to change it.

Being true to yourself versus pleasing others

Conflict between needs and wants

Decision making is one of the ultimate personal power skills and in many ways is the one key process which can resolve internal conflict and dilemmas.

The critical skill within decision making is the skill of asking questions! I just love the power of questions! Sometimes just asking the right question can resolve the dilemma instantly! No matter what the conflict or decision may be, the decision tends to make itself once you have sufficient information. This means gathering sufficient information about the issue and sufficient information about yourself. Self awareness is one of the foundations of personal power, and of course self esteem and self confidence.

The first step to resolving internal conflict and dilemmas is to gather information.

Begin by clarifying all the aspects on paper. Thoroughly explore the following points.

Look at what is most important to you (your values)

Clarify exactly what you do want

Prioritize what you most want (what is most important, most valued) Clarify and be specific about all your possible choices in the situation Identify any possible regrets that may follow any choice made in the situation Identify what is stopping you or what is in the way from having what you want

Identify what is stopping you or what is in the way of making a decision.

What beliefs and assumptions are you holding about this issue?

What are your fears and concerns in the situation and what effect do these have on you?

Answering the question “what would it take?” – for example “what would it take to make this decision?” or “what would it take to resolve this dilemma?” – allows you to focus on clearing the way.
This question sets you on the path of creating the right and necessary conditions for resolving the dilemma or confidently making the decision.

Asking “what would it take” can open up territory to explore in the mind, the heart or in your environment. For instance, do you need to trust yourself to make the right decision? What might you need to believe or stop believing? What fears are having an influence? In what ways do these fears influence you? What emotional states are you seeking to experience or avoid! What information do you need, where can you get it, who can help?

If you want to learn the art of improving self confidence then learning how to lessen and resolve internal conflict is one of the best things you can do for yourself!

Improving Self Confidence and Communication Skills

Improving self confidence is a work in progress. It’s not a task you “do” so much as developing an optimum relationship with yourself as a constant background. Overlaid on this background are the learning and honing of skills and various competencies. Feeling and being skilfully resourced supports improving self confidence through regular positive reinforcement. The better your experience is, the more confident you feel the next time. It drops you into the positive expanding spiral. The more confident you feel in yourself and your skills and abilities, the better are your experience and results and you come to live in this expanding cycle of improving self confidence naturally.

It can go the other way of course! The more uncomfortable or inadequate you feel about your interactions, the less confident you are likely to feel next time. The less confident you are, the less likely you are to perform or interact in optimum ways and that downward contracting cycle can entrap us. As our confidence erodes, anxiety can set in which further compromises optimum interaction and management.

We need positive experiences and a sense of self efficacy in order to build and reinforce self confidence.

Becoming knowledgeable and proficient in the core communication skills is a direct ticket to riding the positive expanding spiral and one of the most powerful ways of improving self confidence immediately.

The process for improving communication skills includes:

  • Taking inventory of your current skills and targeting areas for improvement
  • Getting a clear idea of what makes someone a great communicator so you know exactly what you are aiming for and have a concrete and specific set of targets
  • Learning the skill
  • Practicing the skill
  • Learning the techniques and understanding the underlying information about the dynamics of communication excellence
  • Identifying and resolving your own blocks and barriers to skillful, effective, and confident communication – in all situations!
  • Improving self-confidence is as close as making the commitment to doing what it takes!

Improving Self Confidence and the Role of Self Esteem

Improving self confidence and improving self esteem is a package deal. Improving self confidence is a lot like baking a cake! Although there is much tasty variety in the flavours and texture of cakes, there are certain essential ingredients and a certain method to follow in the way you treat and blend the ingredients if you want to get the best results. If you are using eggs, leaving the shells on is not an option if you want the best results! It is necessary to do certain things when you are improving self confidence if you want the best results.

Self esteem is like the oven! The essential piece of equipment that allows your confidence to be formed – to alchemise confidence from raw ingredients to fully formed and stable results. Without the oven, the ingredients are just a mash of ingredients. All that raw potential just waiting for you!

Low self esteem is like rejecting yourself. This is not a viable position for improving self confidence! How can you feel confident or be improving self confidence if you don’t like, accept or value yourself! How can you feel confident if you do not trust yourself, your decisions, your opinions, your path.

Low self esteem is putting a low value on yourself, having a low regard for yourself, holding yourself in low “esteem” – commonly experienced as feeling worthless or inadequate. Feeling “not good enough”. The question to ask yourself is , not good enough for what? Or should that be not good enough for whom?

Low self esteem is characterised by continually judging ourselves negatively. The process of improving confidence requires us stop doing this! Immediately!

Think of all the ways you judge yourself as being right or wrong, good or bad. You may be surprised by just how often you do this during the day with what you do, what you don’t do, what you think, what you say to yourself and what you say to other people. Improving confidence and self esteem begins with a focus on becoming more aware of your self and your relationship with yourself.

Recognise that no matter what has happened in the past, you have a choice right now to change your relationship with yourself. To stop negatively judging and rejecting yourself and instead, decide to start accepting yourself .

Improving self-confidence begins with working on self-esteem and you can start immediately by increasing self-awareness and learning to accept yourself.

How To Build Self Confidence – Role Of Judgement

How to build self-confidence is a simple process and quite easy once you understand the process and dynamics.

Why is it that a particularly bad hair day, or carrying a few extra pounds, or turning up to a social event in “the wrong outfit”( like being the only person erroneously wearing a wild fancy dress outfit!) can wilt self confidence and have us seeking out the nearest hiding place?


How come one comment from decades ago can still cause us to doubt ourselves, to feel we are stupid, selfish, or unworthy of good things.

What is going on when we have a panic attack about standing in front of a group to speak or are terrified to attend a social event alone .

In one word it is all about judgement.

If you want to learn how to build self confidence one critical area to address is how to become immune to judgement from others and how to stop judging ourselves.

There are two key areas that erode or prevent self confidence:

  • Judging yourself
  • Fear of others judging you.

Non-judgment is the opposite of judgment. We need to learn to stop judging ourselves, stop judging others, and take back the power we give to others to judge us and have it affect us.

Perhaps our greatest and deepest need is to feel loved. In close companionship with love, is acceptance. This is one of our greatest needs. We tend to make acceptance a pre-requisite for love. If we judge ourselves to be unacceptable, we also tend to judge ourselves to be unlovable or unworthy of love. Most of us find it difficult to love someone we do not accept.

In addition to not judging ourselves, we also must accept ourselves. Who we are, as we are. The most powerful pathway to becoming immune to the negative judgments of other people and a critical component in any program focused on how to build self-confidence is to fully and unconditionally accept ourselves.

Building confidence and self-esteem: having a “right relationship” with yourself

Building self confidence and self esteem are key foundations for personal power. Improving self confidence and self esteem comes from working constantly on establishing and then maintaining a “right relationship” with yourself. Every choice and decision we make, every word we speak, the thoughts we think, the actions we take all reflect the state of our relationship with ourselves. They reflect whether or not our self esteem and confidence is strong or weak. Whether or not we are living from a place of personal power or disempowerment.

What state is your relationship with yourself in? Could it do with some tweaking or maybe a major overhaul?

How to build self confidence and self esteem?

Building confidence and self esteem is a process.

This process for building self-confidence and self-esteem has four essential ingredients:

  • building awareness
  • increasing understanding
  • a willingness to make the necessary changes and
  • actively creating the best and necessary conditions for the changes you desire.


The first step is to examine and assess your relationship with yourself. There are three key areas. Take the time to reflect and write in a journal about each of these areas as they may apply to you.

How you relate to yourself . This includes your self concept, self esteem and how you think about yourself. How strong or weak is your self confidence in who you are and how you manage all the areas of your life? What are you here for – your role, purpose and identity? Are you here to keep everyone else happy or to live your own life and seek happiness and fulfilment for yourself? Are you your own best friend, supporter and encourager or are you your own worst enemy? Do you trust yourself? Love yourself? Accept yourself?


How you treat yourself . Do you treat yourself with understanding, compassion and kindness or harsh criticism, judgement and rejection? How well do you take care of your physical health and well being? How well do you take care of your needs, desires, opportunities, emotional life and mental life? Do you go for your dreams or hold back?


How well you know and understand yourself. The most critical and essential area to understand is your belief systems because as you have no doubt heard already, beliefs are the computer programs that run the whole show. What are all the beliefs you carry around? Many of our beliefs have become unconscious, running on automatic. You also need to become aware of and understand what is important to you (your values), what you need, and what fears have power over you. It’s about understanding what makes you tick, what pushes your buttons, and why.

Improving self-confidence and strengthening self-esteem is a natural consequence of gradually working on making your relationship “right” with yourself. Step up and take charge of your “programming”! You are the programmer! No matter what has happened in the past, you have total control over the kind of relationship you have with yourself now. And yes, you can have total control over building confidence and self-esteem to where you would love it to be!